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Bacon Lifestyle

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Grateful Palate Catalog

Few things make me happier than when I receive the annual Gift Handbook from the Grateful Palate. A highlight of my favorites in this year’s catalog include:

Cowboy Ciao Bacon Brittle – Yep, that’s right. B-A-C-O-N Brittle. Candied bacon. Bacon crack. According to The Handbook, fights have broken out over this stuff.

Cob smoked bacon – I’ve never had cob smoked bacon, but it sounds pretty damn tasty. I mean if it’s good enough for the Pope, then it’s probably good enough for me.

BLT ring – I am terribly disappointed that this isn’t on the online catalog, so I’m going to attempt to describe it. It’s a sterling silver ring made up of five separate rings. If you laid each ring flat on a table you would see that the outside of the ring is shaped; two are shaped like pieces of bread, one is ruffled like lettuce, one is striated and wavy like cooked bacon and one is round like a tomato slice. But when you stack them on all your finger all you see is one edge and it looks like a normal ring. If it wasn’t $150 I would probably buy it.

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Bacon Spray

A while back I heard about the Flavor Spray™ Diet, which was invented to replace things like toppings, gravies, dressings, and sauces. The line consists of liquid sprays that come in a range of flavors, including bacon. I laughed about it for a while, then curiosity got the better of me and I was compelled to order some.

With eager anticipation I waited for my sprays to arrive. And waited. And waited. A month and several phone calls later my sprays finally turned up. I tore open the box to find two little bottles of spray, one bacon and one parmesan flavored. I was still unclear about how I was supposed to use them. I suspected that I should spray them on food, but I wanted instant gratification after waiting that long. I decided to spray the bacon flavor directly onto my tongue. What could it hurt?

As usual, my naive innocence led my astray. It hurt bad.

It was like bathing my tongue in a tubful of liquid smoke. All I could taste was smoke. Was my tongue on fire? After that came the harsh chemical aftertaste. Choking and gasping for air I made my way to the sink. You know how they make those eye bath cups for chemical burns? I wanted one for my tongue.

I thought that maybe the parmesan one would be better. It was, in fact, even worse. I resisted the urge to throw them both straight into the trash. Instead I put them in my cupboard. They’re still sitting there. I planned to do a real review and try them on food instead of my tongue, but now, months later, the thought of tasting them again makes my taste-buds quiver in fear.

It’s real bacon for this girl from here on out.